"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you....For I am the Lord, your God...." Isaiah 43:1-3

Friday, 5 November 2010

tomorrow's friday...

this will be going on 5500KM - far far away from me, and I won't be there :( I wonder who's helping Grace make all the chapatti :(
(in this video - Grace, Teresia...)

Tuesday, 29 June 2010


don´t you get a feel

that someone should be sitting

here right by your side?

Saturday, 26 June 2010

once upon a time...

there was one little girl who lived her dream... it was the summer of 2009 when she learned magic.

african magic - full of love, compassion and prayers, the greatest magic of the world. 

It changed her, first step into the unknown world, first child´s hand she did hold, first star-full night she slept under heavenly sky, made her grew up. 

until then she was a kid, bu now all she longs for is to put her kids to bed at night and hold their hands when they go to the dentist. she´s missing her new home too much. it hurts too badly to be this far away... to know that one year ago....

she held God in her arms.

Thursday, 25 March 2010

I´ve forgotten

I´ve forgotten, almost forgotten how damn lucky we are.
but then I took my evening shower and I remembered.
I´m damn lucky for having a shower, for having it right here in the dorms, just few meters from my room, for having insane quantity of hot/warm/cold water - whichever I wish, for having it whenever I want.
I´m damn lucky to have water.

And I would write an e-mail to my parents or sis, chat with them on g-mail, skype, wherever...I would call them at night. I would talk for hours on the phone with Prince M. ...
How damn lucky I am to be surrounded by people who care about me.
I can tell them how much I love them.
I know that "I love you" is powerful and valuable, it shouldn´t be said automaticaly at the end of the phone-calls, it should be meant, really meant. And so some people don´t say it very often because they know it´s value and don´t want to waste it.
But it´s not wasting if you say it to those whom you love. And so I´m damn lucky to be able to say it, to have someone who´s so precious that deserves it.

I´m so damn lucky to have family.

I do have food, and drinking water, I do have money and lots of nice clean clothes, cosy room to sleep in...
and I do try to persuade myself that my kiddos are lucky to get three meals a day, clean and safe drinking water and bed for the night, I try to tell myself that it´s great for them to go to school regularly and have enough light at night to do their homeworks...
but it´s so ...stupid.
Every single kid would change all this without even blinking, just to have one more opportunity to hug their mom, to have mommy, just for one night who would put them to bed, just one more time..
no, they have three meals a day and regular schooling.
how damn lucky they are?

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

sick of being homesick

and I see it all now.

wide streets with trees and flowers (ok, maybe not right now in winter, but in general..), clean trains and buses with real tickets, big room with actual ceiling and comfly bed, fridge full of food, handful of Maltesers right next to my laptop which is constantly pluged in, hot showers, flushing toilets, washing machines,...

and as I see all this, I keep wondering why did I miss it so much...
I did like the narrow dusty roads with corn-fields around them, matatus full of people with no tickets and apparently no limits, small room which I shared with Sabrina, my top bunk with no noticable materess, three poor meals a day, electricity from solar panels, bucket "showers" every 4 days, toilets...well, with no actual toilet at all, brush and a bit of soap to wash our clothes... I didn´t just liked it, I LOVED it. like I said








I didn´t miss our "civilised" way of life. I didn´t miss our delicious meals eaten on the go, somewhere between catching a bus and finishing homework, I didn´t miss our smileless streets and people with no identity who pretend that no one else exists, I didn´t miss this...

I just missed my family, I missed my mom, and every second I was there I wished she would have come with me, she´d be such a wonderful mom for all my kids. I missed daddy, if he came with me every moment of every day would be brighter and every single one of my kids would love him so much, as he is the sweetest daddy a kid can wish for. I missed my sis, she´d heve loved it there, playing with all my kiddos and helping me to put them to bed. I missed my family, because I knew how fortunate I am to have one, I missed my family and at the same time I felt sick about having one, when my kids don´t have parents, I felt sick of missing my home, while my own kids there didn´t have any.

I wanted to go back and just hug my mom and daddy and talk to my sis and never let them go, because I knew my kids will never get a chance to do that again. I missed my family which was always with me, I missed my family, how unfair this is.

all I want now is to go back, hug my kids, hold them close to my heard and rock them all night in my lap and let them cry, and let them smile...as it´s the only thing I can do for them.


Tuesday, 26 January 2010

under african sky

many people before me, as well as many many after me would say that african sky is magical...but none of them prepared me for the truth. It´s not only magical, it´s incredibly deep.
One night, before going to bed, I was standing outside with a cup of water in my hand and a toothbrush stucked in my face, and there I saw it. It seriously scared me at first. In complete darkness, interupted only by shimmering light of Soldier´s torch, I was standing there, looking up, and I felt like I´ll fall into that sky.. I could feel my feet loosing the ground underneath them, I could feel myself falling up into that freakishly deep blackness. No, it´s not the different constelations which make the african sky so different. it´s its´ depth which calls you, which surrounds you, which scares you, which makes you stand in awe with a toothbrush in your mouth.

and nights are so peaceful in africa (apart from a couple of stray dogs crossing the orphanage compound). It´s dark black everywhere - and not just black - there´s complete lack of light. Just like when we were flying to Nairobi and I looked down, I could see tiny tiny lights now and then, but nothing else, just complete lack of light in between. I imagined that this is how God saw the Earth at the very beginning, peaceful, covered with silent darkness, and I can understand why He said it was good.

Friday, 22 January 2010

world has to keep turning

because my kids need to know it´s brighter side,

I need them to find paradise here.

I want every twig of every tree to be covered with oranges,

every twig of every tree, I don´t care if it´s apple-tree of pine.

I want every eye to shine and every mouth to smile,

a cat sitting on every shoulder, or at least little white rat turning it´s tail around every neck and kissing every cheek from time to time.

I want every man to talk to animals, but also to listen.

I want every hand to have a hand to hold,

I want all hearts filled, all minds free.

I want daddy for every child and no mommy with empty hands.

I wish it would snow icecream, and rain rainbow,

I want every wanderer to have a clean soft bed waiting for him at the end of this long day,

I want every doctor to hear thanks directly from his patient,

I want every child to be born, and every tear to be understood.

I wish flights to Kenya were cheaper, and I could see my kids whenever they´d need me.
I want every door unlocked, every tummy fed,
I want every knee to bend in front of every baby born, because that´s when it will be christmas again

I want stars to glow through night and day - even though we don´t see them.

I want the world to keep turning for my kids need a chance o grow and learn.

and one day, oh how I´m waiting for that day,

when I´ll go to sleep without saying prayer, because I´ll be so close to Him that no words will be needed, we´ll be in Eden again

oh how I´m waiting for that day.

Friday, 15 January 2010

chapatti night :)

so today´s friday, that means chapatti night right?
oh Greace, I wish I could be there and help you make them, I would give up my lunch, I would actually give up all week´s meals just to be able to get a bowl of peas, or whatever and one chapatti...no, scratch that, I would give up whole month worth of food just to be there and help Grace make them, I don´t even care for the chapatti, I just miss sitting on the ground in that small kitchen full of smoke, listening to Grace´s radio and just soaking in the atmosphere :)

Monday, 4 January 2010

what to bring, what to leave, what to forget....

I´ve decided to write this post for myself, because I want to remember what I needed, what was extra, and what was completly useless in africa. I might use this list when I´ll be packing next time, or some of you might use it etc. ... I just thought it would be handy to have a complete list of things needed to survive in rural africa :)

-aka the most important part of your luggage and the only one about which you can be sure that it will still be there at the end of the flight.

-passport, international vaccination papers, money etc. (usual stuff)
-antimalaria pills
-camera, camera charger, spare memory cards
-set of clean clothes
-cell phone + charger

hmmm that´s about it...this is all you´ll need in first few days/weeks, while they´ll be looking for your checked in bag which decided to make holiday in Cairo.
+ I tyed a blanket to the side of my backpack and the airlines didn´t have a problem with that so just try to stuff your carry on with as many items as you can, not just the bare necessities. You don't want to travel comfortably, for goodness sake you're traveling to africa!

- aka the useless bag without which you´d be able to survive 8 to 10 days (depending on the speed with which they decide to search for it)

take only the shirts and t-shirts which you want to leave there, because they will be probably destroyed by the end of your stay, and if not, then you´ll leave everything there anyway because people there could use them better than you.
-following numbers are based on prediction that you´ll travel fully dressed, with sock and everything...
-approx. 7 t-shirts
-2 or 3 shorts
-1 long pants
-2 long sleeved tops
-2 pair of socks
-water bottle (you might want to bring water purrifying tablets or something, but I didn´t use them after all, water was clean safe to drink in WWB )
-flipp-flopps /crocks
-stuff for the kids
-2 or 3 packs of baby wet wipes
-toothbrush + toothpaste
-soap, shampoo
-medication: band-aids, Imodium AD, pain-killers, Strepsils (I didn´t use anything else)
-sleeping bag
-small pillow
-long PJs or just bottoms (I used clean T-shirt for sleeping)
-head torch, torch, batteries
-diary + pen/pencil

everything else is optional, and I didn´t need it while I was in WWB - I´m sure the conditions change from place to place but this is what I know about WWB :)

- I might have forgotten something, so feel free to ask, if you see something missing in here, I´ll be happy to add it there, or explain why it´s not listed.

traveling in Kenya is....interesting

did I ever tell you how funny it was to travel around in Kenya?

first of all there are those bike-riding guys who are willing to take you everywhere for a couple of shillings = highly ecological but a little bit uncomfortable (at least it looked like that - I´ve never tried it)

then there are "matatu" vans who are originaly designed for 12 people, but matatu can officialy take 14 people (+ tons of other stuff) and usually it ends up with 24-26 people on board - few of them "standing" as much as you can stand in such a small van...

(that photo was a-kind-of-stollen from my friend - one of the volunteers -and please note that this matatu was really NOT full yet :)

but what I wanted to say is that those mad drivers who seemed to drive in absolute chaos with no rules at all managed to make it an amazing ballet and swim in the ocean of cars without stoping, and thankfuly without crashing... but what petrified me was how they went to the petrol station and while the one and only stuff member filled the tank with petrol - smoking all the time of course - they casualy chatted with our driver, shauting in order to hear each other through the noise our car (with the engine turned on) was making... mesmorizing...

most of the time we walkwd, but once you´ve decided to use "public transport" you could be sure that they´ll try to break as many rules as possible - such as smoking forbidden and please turn your engine off at the petrol stations!

Friday, 1 January 2010

new beginning...happy New year

every mom, I´m sure, started new year with prayer for her kids. so did I.
I prayed for wisdom and happiness, for tight sleep and shiny stars on their sky, for someone to hug them at the first day of school, for clear water and many smiles, for cheap flight tickets - so that I could see them again soon, and for thousands of fortunes for every little one on this world, because that´s what they deserve :)
I pray for my kids.